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(2 have read about | the rains) february 2004 [19 Oct 2005|05:57pm] i had no idea what it was like until it has been my turn to go through it. I'm just hoping one day we can be on the same page, please god, give me that much. i am so sorry. hoping the days never ended while wishing those same days never had began. this feeling i held so close is slowly rising to the surface. I miss you. I miss our long nights. I think i am falling, again. and i need you, please. oh oh, and i am rooming alone. :/

(the rains) 59:47 [22 May 2005|04:06am] I'm going to start over, or atleast try.

(5 have read about | the rains) TIME OF MY LIFE [21 May 2005|10:10am] TODAY AT 4 O CLOCK P.M. I GRADUATE HIGHSCHOOL. MOST FRIENDS DONT CARE FOR ME NOW, OR ARE DOING OTHER THINGS, BUT IF YOU'D CARE TO GO IT'S AT 4 P.M.! AT THE OCEANCENTER. GOD DAMN IT, IM GRADUATING HIGHSCHOOL. YES.

(3 have read about | the rains) Let me know that I'm alive [20 May 2005|01:12am] [ music | my bloody valentine - i only said ] i have to be up for graduation practice pretty damn early. but i wanted to stay up to write messages, because... they're awsome. i cant stop listening to: my bloody valentine - loveless eisley - roomnoises panic - dying for it on repeat. i think i want my first tattoo to be my joy division one. yes. i do. family stuff this weekend, it's going to be weird... but i always enjoy it. ALSO IM GOING TO BE SELLING A BUNCH OF SHIT. MOST PEOPLE KNOW WHAT I HAVE. SHOES, RECORDS, SHIRTS, WHATEVER. IF YOU WANT ANYTHING, JUST LEAVE A MESSAGE AND IM SURE ILL SELL IT TO YOU. weed out the herrrrrrdddddddddddddddddd. hahaa. "i can't get these thoughts out of my head i'm gonna shut down i need someone to listen i need a friend by me nothing seeems right when i live my life inside of yesterday have to find the strength to reach for something more to breathe to see to feel like living accept myself to smile and mean it all the things that i regret come back to me at night demons from my past pull my eyelids open wide i'm screaming for the morning screaming for a change i want the chance to face myself and face a better day"

(1 have read about | the rains) for amanda [19 May 2005|09:07pm] i cant stop listening to underoath. i dont feel good either. haircut, graduation practice, haircut i hope too, and family. i wonder if you'll call me AMBER COLEMAN. 1) Total number of films I own on DVD/video: roughly 30 or so 2) The last film I bought: i believe it was finding neverland or closer. both were a gift, but she left before that. 3) The last film I watched: dangerous lifes of alter boys 4) Five films that I watch a lot or that mean a lot to me: 1. closer 2. finding neverland 3. lovestory 4. the good son ( she knows why ) 5. too many others 5) Tag 5 people and have them put this in their journal: ali katie ryan wood nato eddie

(3 have read about | the rains) blisters on the lips of cupid [19 May 2005|10:44am] i graduate highschool saturday at 4. modern life is war shows this week. blacklisted shows next week. atlanta next week. i'm bored and ryan is still sleeping.

(the rains) [18 May 2005|06:07pm] i want a rat dog.

(1 have read about | the rains) you were my spine, my crutch, my breathe, my sight, my life, my death, my all. [17 May 2005|02:09pm] LOVELESS.LOVESICK.

(the rains) [17 May 2005|12:08pm] what seemed like a movie scene yesterday, driving through the greenest grass and beautiful surroundings, this music that fit everything like a nice fitting shirt, just starring out the window; i almost forgot your name, i almost forget everything. get my head away, get my life away, get my memory away. i've got the heaviest heart and i'm sick of it. jumping off cliffs, and bridges are all i want to do for the rest of my life. please fucking fix me.

(2 have read about | the rains) [16 May 2005|05:12am] im nowhere near there. im havent left, i dont think i ever will. the room is still the same exact it was left. the roof is holding what i thought would matter down the year. the water is stained and dirty from the roses that died in it. there are still three yellow furs in the same exact cordinates they were left. the sheets are still ruffled to the shape of our bodies and the room still has the memories of you and me, everytihng, true and through. now im not looking for anything, ive lost it all. im standing on nothing, with nothing to show. im done in this rat race of fools gold that gets us nowhere. i just want to know what has happened. im gone right now, like i said. i dont need to think of it, or anything; but why do i. i started this with the motivation to get out all i need to get out. ill never get it all out. i saw an amazing view tonight, one that really did make me stop and think. why am i doing this to myself? why now, why here. im miserable. im never going to be the same. no love or blankets are keeping me warm.

(the rains) goodnight. [16 May 2005|03:54am] tonight i looked at my old livejournal i didnt really tell anyone about. here is the only entry i ever wrote publicly. its how ive been living for the past too long. Friday, April 16th, 2004 1:24 am writing words, missing ends. TRUE LOVE. There's no real reason to this. I hate online journals, the fact that it stole a good two years of my life. Ups, downs, or i guess even moderate, a fucking reminder for me to look back on. Being dirty, landing new things, stealing, robbery, trouble, love, depression. It's everything a fifteen-seventeen year old of my stature would consume. The recent upswing of 'life' is gustful of bullshit. This is a main life. Haha, im kidding on that, 'main'. I'm falling apart, I know it. I see it, its obvious. This is to anyone who might fall on this, heres my plans; don't find me, don't see me, don't remember me. This is nothing more than the uselessness of a fucked-up kid. Tonight, it's the same. Lovesick, homesick.. bullshit, deathless. I want to go somewhere, but i feel the clutch. p.s. dont stutter upon this, don't read this, DON'T ADD THIS, just leave me alone and feel what we all should feel

(1 have read about | the rains) [14 May 2005|04:59pm] gone gone gone. i hate my home, and i want to leave. homesick, of the idea.

(1 have read about | the rains) [12 May 2005|03:39am] Depression’s gonna kill me

(1 have read about | the rains) [10 May 2005|11:39am] i'm so sick.

(2 have read about | the rains) run [09 May 2005|08:46am] I can't stop thinking. I hate that I have to worry about shit. I don't like how I have to think of other things because I can't handle reality. I'm not okay with not being okay. I constantly think about how we're all around the same age, and going through the same shit. I constantly think will any of us remember us thirty years down the line? When we're all older and more worn in and withered, are these heartbreaks and headaches going to even be in our heads. I'm so sick of living. I have way too many choices/oppurtunities to think about. I want to get away from these fucking feelings. I'm getting sick to my stomach on them. Bright, and ugly, -stevie.

(the rains) i don't care that i'm falling apart. [09 May 2005|02:09am] sick and tired. fucked.

(3 have read about | the rains) just let me go [07 May 2005|02:43pm] I think the only thing I'll ever love again is shoes. I don't want love. I don't need it. Fuck love.

(2 have read about | the rains) BROKEN LIVES [05 May 2005|08:08pm] It feels weird to sit here and think of a time that I can look forward to. I can't, I feel like now I'm in that cycle that doesn't slow down. "I'M TIRED OF WASTING TIME" I really need to start taking peoples thoughts/concerns/opinions more and more to my heart. I'm always pushing off people, and putting them on the back burner. I'm sick of being underground. I'm sick of what I'm use to. I'm sick of holding back. I'm sick of loosing all I love because I'm that god damned. What the fuck am I doing here. I'm ten times as lucky as the next guy, but there's always the other guy that has it better. I just want to be happy. I'm sick of this depression. (  THE WORLD ISN'T AGAINST YOU, IT JUST DOESNT CARE )

(2 have read about | the rains) I'll kill you if you try me for my air max 95's [04 May 2005|04:19pm] "We don't want our brand showing up in Kmart stores." So since KMART engorged SEARS, NIKE has decided to stop selling their shoes in such stores. They don't want nike in kmart! hahahaaa I dont work til friday. Call me. VIVA NIKE.

(3 have read about | the rains) i'm sick of the lulls [03 May 2005|11:06pm] For a minute there I almost believed you and I wanted to forgive you for everything you've done and I could feel safe but miserable in a familiar world of lies and misinformation but then I remembered that everything you've ever said and everything you've ever done add up to more wrongs, than could ever make a right so don't try to talk to me cause a thousand Fuck You's would never be enough so I'm only gonna say this once FUCK YOU I'm never coming back. I WANT TO KILL MY THOUGHTS.

(4 have read about | the rains) i get smarter every time i get burned [03 May 2005|04:20am] ( Read more... )

(the rains) what is wrong with me? [03 May 2005|03:41am] WHY CAN'T I FUCKING SLEEP LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN? i'm so damn bored. I don't work tomorrow.

(7 have read about | the rains) born in hell [02 May 2005|12:17pm] I'm at woodz house. Just Austin and I are here, and Austins fucking sleeping and snoring his head off. My phones dead, and I have to work at five. Shitty Shitty. I need an office job, or something where i work in the morning until 5 or so. I'm already sick of working night times and missing everything, even hate it more since im getting payed like 3.50. Fuck that. Last night was fun, all the bands were good, and it was even more good to hang out and shit. My hand still hurts from punching that dude, and I'm still bitter about dropping my fucking pizza. I didn't get to see amber colman this weekend, what the fuck! were suppose to be best friends. Everyone I did see though, it was tight. I'll finish my life story eventually. It's a long one. ritchies coming over. born in hell.

(3 have read about | the rains) DEAD DEAD DEAD [28 Apr 2005|12:51am] [ music | danny being gay ] Work went by fast, I pretty much watch three channels of espn, and chill out. I hate it though, I'll admit it, the managers are assholes. But like she said " it's a JOB ". Always right. Today was spent renting movies ( mean creek finalllyyyy it was so worth the wait, and mean girls...lindsey lohan....yeaa....) and eating dinner with danny and ali. They're still watching bumfights. What cat???!!!???!!!??? I want to learn more about wheat pasting pretty bad. More stencils, more paint, more slaps. Now. I don't work until Friday. Cool. Sunday needs to get here.

(3 have read about | the rains) forget my name [25 Apr 2005|10:23pm] [ music | mom and dad still dont approve ] It wont matter. For however happy I am, for however far I've gotten in my life, for how much I'll ever forget; there still with be something, someone, or somehow to remind me of the past. There will never be a group of kids that are all sincere and true. I'll never escape whispers and rumors, I;ll never get away from "oh didn't he..." SAVE ME FROM THIS HELL. I don't know what brought this on. The first day of a job? The temperature in this god damn apartment? The realization that I can't hide from reality ( not 'real life aspect' but more of a ...misery is bound to me...reality )?I want to let go. I want to escape it all. I want that life were it's okay to make mistakes, and it's okay to forgive. No I'm not 'miserable' or going back to drinking and drugs, this is just a rant that I want to express. In the overall aspect, I'm doing good. If anything I'm so much more pissed, and convert all the bullshit 'saddness' to anger. Who knows if it's good or bad. The past will never die, and I will never escape it.

(the rains) long live the king [25 Apr 2005|12:27pm] Life aint that bad. I start work at 3 today, should be easy. I need to save all my money for this summer. Fuck, I'm keeping my fingers crossed. If things work out how I am dreaming, I'll be so fucking GOLDEN. chill niggie.

(6 have read about | the rains) I'm not stuck here anymore. [22 Apr 2005|03:09pm] [ music | mliw - d.e.a.d.r.a.m.o.n.e.s. ] I'm really sick of this sleeping problem i've developed. I've got so much shit to think about. Life choices are a bitch. I just want to be happy. We'll see what happens. Sunday will be awsome, nikez and eatz with chaddy, then frankenstein later onnnnnnn. yeeeee. I start work monday, dope. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Things will happen how they're meant too.

(5 have read about | the rains) save our souls [20 Apr 2005|11:50pm] [ music | s.o.s. ] I feel different. I feel older, and more out there. No more school, no more this, no more that. I realized late last night just listening to my ipod that my dads moving away, and that's the end of any shot at a relationship with him. It's basically back to money money money with him. I don't know if I even care. I'm getting a job, wether it be at my dads' office doing 8-5 bullshit ( although I would be with Ali all day ) or working paint jobs and other such chores with Darrens dad, I have to do something. Imagagine that, Stevie Bloom, working for something. The whole living situation is pretty weird now. I don't know exactly what's going on. So far it looks like Ali, Darren, and myself will be looking for a house/apartment/condo and start over. I'd like to stay at my house, in my room; but it doesn't look promising anymore. This change is happening so fast, and once again I don't know how I feel about this. All I know is I'm starting over. I'm sticking to white walls, and simplicity. I'm not bringing attached memories and space invading bullshit. Just my beautiful Mac, a new bed, clothes, and my television. I really can't wait to get my computer going and clean all the old folders of what I thought love was and see the beautiful look of OSX instead of this grotesque windows format. Makes me sick. I'm listening to the S.O.S outro ( compliments of sarzbear ) and it reminds me alot of the end of fall/start of winter when I sat in my room listening to this, thinking my life was alright. Instrumentals will be the death of me. I really can't grasp onto this whole life thing. Blah blah blah, I don't know about college right now, I don't know what to do. All I've ever wanted to do was go to film school, so I guess I'll continue to push in that area. Everything is so weird now. I'm not going to get into it. I just now I need to start bulking up my nikes, get a few Jordans in the mix. I need to get some new clothes and new jeans that are long over due. I want to play more basketball and read more books that I've started but never finished. I've given it much thought, and I'd like to put it out there that I'm pretty sure I'm done with the drugs and alcohol. I can't belive the shit I did, and the lengths it went. I don't want a part of it anymore. I just want to find the damn salt shaker, and give myself to being a pillow, and smoothered by a frankenstein qt. These little boy feelings will ACTUALLY be the death of me, but who's complaining. Yea, I know, this is another one of those "gay" entrys, who cares though, I anticipate the FAGGOT, NICE BEANIE comment from the likes of woody anyways. keep struggling.

(the rains) SUCK IT UP AND DEAL WITH IT [19 Apr 2005|06:37pm] alright, so im sorry about the last entry. i left teh meeting thing early, and wrote without regard. fuck this though whatever. here comes whatever. thank god for guns up!

(4 have read about | the rains) transparent [19 Apr 2005|06:14pm] oh my god this damn day what the fuck. just found out my dad is marrying the dumb, nasty, trashful carol, and moving to her house. i don't really feel too good. what now? fuck life is fast why does this all happen at once, this is so weird. I dont even feel alive. I dont know shit about real life, responsibility or anything. where do i go from here. Fuck i feel like im just dropped head first in a different world. fuck.today.

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